Exhaustion. It kills the beauty. It kills the learning. You move from tying to have an experience to just trying to make it through. Each movement is a chore, each task to be completed, a marathon. Its brutal fighting of the mind and body at all times of the day. Neither of them ever actually winning. This feeling is so much more than being tired. Its not a feeling that if you get any sleep, it will wash away. This feeling just never seems to go away. The worst part in my opinion, the times that it actually fully hits you. It is never during the times that it could just be ignored, or you could go to sleep. It is at work when you are trying to make a deadline or in the middle of doing something you actually enjoy. I used to think, “I am this exhausted because I am just so stressed out” and I believe partly it is always around because of that. But sometimes its just being overwhelmed with the constant daily interactions and expectations of life. It kills the beauty of moments that you are trying to enjoy in your life. It is that feeling of BOOM I cannot focus; I cannot move and all you want to do is curl up and go to sleep. The worst is cutting things short due to being completely unable to function. Then I go home and I go to sleep, which to me is even worse in these situations. I wake up, still exhausted and feeling guilty because I got nothing accomplished throughout my day that I had planned on. This feeling is a killer. It is awful, miserable and something I struggle with on daily basis.
That is not say there are not certain things that help. I have recently started going to the gym. I have realized my mood improving and my strength coming back. Or I will reach out more to friends for support than I have in the past. But the struggle with exhaustion, it is so very real. This post alone I have been trying to write for over a week and have started it multiple times but it just never got finished. It was like even my arms were to tired to type. I am realizing more and more that I have to push through it. It is soooo hard. I am not saying I am doing anything amazing or that is the simple solution, however I need to push through it. I need to push myself to know that I am able to get the things done in the day that I should be. That I can enjoy the things I want to enjoy. Except some days, it is so unbelievably hard but I am trying to find ways to help. I am trying to make it better though, maybe not even better but at least manageable. I want to be able to get through my day without regret or feelings that I wasted my time. It will just take time to get to the place I want to be and that is ok. I have to remind myself, it is ok. Just take everything one step at a time, it will work out in the end.