Self-isolation. When I heard that we were going to shut everything down, self-isolate and cut this virus out of our lives; I thought “how hard is this going to be, it’ll be a great time to work on everything and let the world heal”. The reality, it has been a nightmare. In a time where self-care is so important to everyone’s well-being, I personally feel like it is escaping me at all turns. I am considered an essential employee. Instead of being comforted with the fact that I can be home, ensuring my family and those around me are safe; I must go out almost daily to ensure the well being of others are ok. I come home daily terrified that I have somehow unintentionally brought the virus home with me. That myself or someone close to me is going to get sick as a result of it. I am especially terrified for my daughter. I cannot imagine her being alone in a hospital without me. I can’t imagine that if something went wrong, her being scared and thinking that I abandoned her. I watch as the world continues to turn. How in certain aspects, it is healing itself. But I keep coming up to me. How I keep hearing how important self-care is at this time, but I can’t bring myself to take care of myself over all this worry and this doubt. How I can’t seem to make it through the day without some form of panic attack or complete crying breakdown. I come home from work with such panic and worry, I try to push through, work on the goals I have set for myself. Instead, I am letting the panic and worry overcome me. It transforms after that. As I look around and see how little I have gotten down or how I haven’t touched anything on my list of goals, it morphs into self-pity and hatred. That then turns into my complete inability to manage my life, which just draws me even further into the black hole of despair and sadness. Thankfully I am aware of how this is affecting me. How much I need the support of others and myself to get through this. I must change my thoughts in order to change how I proceed through each day. My goal for this week is to put an end to the majority of my negative thoughts.  If the world can heal itself with some time off, so can I. It will only get better from here.

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